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Broken …

I remember sitting in the back seat of my Mom’s car with my sisters, crying, not sure of what was going on! Just knowing something wasn’t right. It was the middle of the night and mom didn’t say anything about going anywhere?

I could hear yelling and screaming and loud cries!

I pressed my face against the window looking, searching for any sign of my mother. Finally she came out of the house, broken and beaten once again!

She got in the car and no one said a word. It wasn’t the first time, my young heart hoped it would be the last!

I didn’t understand very much about the situation other than my mom was in pain and she was doing her best to hold it all in the broken pieces of her heart.

So off into the night we went once again and once again I wondered where we would end up?

It’s a story I’ve heard like a broken record, an endless cycle of abuse that is widespread and effects us all in a mass ripple effect! The abused, the abuser, the children, friends, family, and last but not least the social system.

Growing up I witnessed abuse on some pretty drastic levels! Physical, emotional, verbal, sexual and social abuse! Sometimes underlying threats, sometimes demeaning statements, sometimes full out brutality! However it pans out it’s all sickening and often leaving wounds so deep that they will never heal no matter how good life may become!

Strange though, most people think only of the abused and not the abuser, the source of the problem! What happened to make that person that way? What happened to that person for them to continue such an ugly cycle? I think most of us could often care less because of the anger directed at that person! I know, I’ve been there myself, wanting only to make that person feel the pain they inflicted on those I love and care about! Having such strong emotions run through my veins that all I could see was red!

Once I acted! Under the cover of night like some love crazed vigilante! A friend of mine had come over to my house crying, telling me how her boyfriend had beaten her! She didn’t have to tell me, I could see it on her face and body, the bruises and cuts told a story all their own! She didn’t want a doctor, she just wanted me to hold her and promise her that everything would be all right! I held her and I promised that somehow it would be alright!

I had just gotten out of prison and I still had that mentality! Act now and face the consequences later if i had to! So after she went to sleep I got in my car and drove a couple blocks away from her house. I saw the lights on as I stood across the street waiting for the right moment. The lights in the house started turning off one by one, the moment had come! So I crossed the street and knocked on the door. He answered, I asked him his name, he confirmed what I already knew, then I hit him square in the jaw! He went down like the sack of shit that he had become. I got on top of him and bounced his head off the floor a few times, then I looked him directly in the eye and I told him if he ever hit her again I would find out and I would hunt him down and I would kill him! I meant it!

A month and a half later she moved away with him somewhere in the midwest. She called a few times every now and then and the last call I got from her she said thank you, I said for what? I’ve never heard from her again. Only in dreams and in my dreams she found happiness.

I can’t justify what I did about the situation because for one small moment I became something so ugly and violent that I was someone, something else entirely!

Today I still wonder about her?

And I often wonder about those who are abused who get back with their abuser? Why? Are they stupid, because to me it just seems logical to get out of the situation entirely! I understand it’s not always so easy, sometimes there just doesn’t seem to be anywhere to go! People are blind to the resources available, especially in the rural areas where resources are limited.

And I know it’s hard to believe in anything different when your heart and soul is shattered and you don’t think you deserve anything better! You become less than! Not even alive anymore, just barely breathing! A body without purpose, next to nothing!

When your down in that hole it’s hard to believe in light when the darkness is all you’ve come to know!

Then when there are children involved it becomes a whole new animal! Often it’s monkey see, monkey do and the cycle is handed down to the next generation like some sick, hereditary disease! Here yah go kid, do as I do, it’s okay because I do it! What a gift, the gift that keeps on giving!

These kids grow up thinking it’s normal because yeah, in their homes growing up it was the everyday norm! And then they have all these deep seated issues that become other animals within themselves and who ends up dealing with them, some F’D up social system, that as a whole could give two shits less despite the individuals who actually care!

So it ends up being a no win situation, because of guidelines set down by some asshole who has probably never experienced first hand what it’s like to get beat down for no reason!

Personally, I can’t stand those who talk straight out of some book and tell you what’s wrong! Have you been there, have you walked a mile in our shoes, would you be even able to handle it? I doubt it, so who are you to tell me you can relate? And most times, in my experience, this is true! Educated out of books but when it comes to real life experience, nada! That’s a whole different subject altogether! The system that’s supposed to help , actually help, those of us in need, most times doesn’t help for shit!

Personally, all my best teachers, which were very few, taught from experience and not from some textbook! I’m not a flippin robot, you can’t just reboot me and expect all my problems to go away into oblivion!

So the system is flawed and the rest of us are left to deal with it, and who cares as long as someone is making money that no one, but those reaping those monetary benefits sees!

So society as a whole needs to step the hell up and if you see or know of someone, anyone, being abused in any form, then step the hell up and do something about it! Even if it means housing them or talking to someone who will and can help them in a healthy manner! And I mean healthy by rebuilding their sense of self worth so that they may once again believe in them selves so that the may believe in the value of living and breathing in this world as someone who contributes, in whatever way, however small or big, to the better of society as a whole!

So in ending my words, I ask of you, that if you know of anyone like those I mentioned above, going through pain unbelievable, then believe, and help! Help however you can! Help now!

I personally can’t stand those who talk about it but in the end they are never “about” it! Just talk!

Don’t ever overlook someone else’s problems, because if the tables were turned wouldn’t you want someone to help you! Karma, from what I know, is a snake that will bite you in the ass as soon as you look the other way! So remember that!

If you know anyone like that who is going through abuse of any nature, don’t be a coward, step up, speak out, be that voice that changes lives for the better, even if it only changes one life for the better it will be worth it! I’m not saying you should go out like I did and beat the hell out of someone because that is ugly and only feeding the beast that is abuse! Shelter them. love them, nurture them, know them, listen to them and in return the greatest rewards will befall your heart!

Don’t ever overlook someone elses cries for help, whether they ask or not! Be the better person that you know you are capable of being and step up!

Don’t talk about it, be about it! Help save lives, help stop the cycle of abuse in this world and go to bed knowing that you are helping lives become whole once again!

by Chad Hiatt Chippewa Cree/Kootenai by blood Human by nature!


About CRG

Editor in Chief of the Voice of the Indigenous, Writer.


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